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THE JOURNEY
Beneath the web-thin simulacrum,
He was all alone, crying in the creeping darkness of an
old and rusty train depot, in the middle of nowhere. A
place built in bygone times, by bygone people, for
bygone purposes, which were then little by little running
out up until the point where the whole thing became a
nuisance, an unneeded burden for it blocked the
perpetually accelerating train of progress, driven by the
race for success and ambition and so the once mighty
and proud island of human ingenuity ultimately became
obsolete, unwanted, forgotten and for some perhaps
even shameful. The reason it was abandoned seemed to
be very simple. It had served up its purpose, which was
now gone, rendering it meaningless. Yet nothing could
be farther from the truth. The same way there is no such
thing as an absolute and permanent purpose, there is
also no such thing as an absolute and permanent absence
of it. We human beings tend to be so full of our selves, so
we very often overlook or plainly ignore any other
purposes than those directly serving us. As for the depot,
it was no different. It was an ecosystem in its own rite,
sometimes a whole world for countless colonies and
generations of countless forms of Life, as well as shelter
in many other ways, at the moment for a little boy, no
older than five, broken and crying, bearing the weight of
the whole world on his tiny shoulders. Who knows how
long he had been there, but still not long enough to give
up his fight with an undesired state of things. After a while they reached her grandma’s house and took some ice cream as promised, certainly by the magical force of which, his mood significantly improved. Then they went straight to his home and family. When they got there, it was already late afternoon. The reunion was emotional as expected, but cheerful and overjoying. His mom was a very kind, mysterious and very young looking lady, totally giving the impression of a magical forest fairy from children’s books. Her look was warm and welcoming, her dress simple, natural and comfortable, and both her voice and gestures were calm and soothing. The girl was sure that she were seeing some sort of a forest guardian witch who protects and watches over lost souls. Not saying your name out loud must surely have been part of it.
Now the boy was in his mom’s embrace, moping yet
again and the girl felt touched by the happy ending of
the journey they shared together but also deeply
troubled by the incredible amount of suffering she had
witnessed in just one day.
"So, how does one embark on a spiritual journey? What do I need to do first? I'm afraid that all I got are some ethnic clothes, beads and protection amulets..." I said condescendingly to the man on the opposite side of the table. The man just smiled and took his cane, leaving me sitting there with my mind somewhat pickled, half mentally preparing for what I'm goind to do, half reminiscing about how the hell did I actually get to this point. To be honest, now I'm slowly coming to the realization about how cushy and agreable my life actually is. Just now when I'm going to shred it all... I'm no fool, I know very well that if I ever manage to sneak out into the wastelands, they'll never let me back even as a toilet scrubber... What the fok am I pushing myself into... Frankly, I got no clue...nothing. So, how did I get into this mess? * * * “Looking for something, young man?” I heard a voice
coming from behind me, as I was looking around this
small wooden house with a garden. I was getting on my way back, thinking how to clear my mind of the feeling so burnt out from the spiritual stuff and had a strong desire to do something normal for a change - like going to a mall and see a movie. Yes, that might be a good idea for today. Let’s take a break from all this. And first thing tomorrow, I need to pick a girl. Someone who can appreciate my inner potential for a change!
* * * Boy oh boy… My nervous subconscious snapped me out that reminiscence perhaps in order to remind me of a bit more important delusion at hand. Now, due to my advancing age, one might perhaps deem my desire for adventure a clear precursor to a midlife crisis... I wouldn’t argue with that too much though. All mentally sane members of the Successful society work collectively on a common goal and don't pursue some individualistic daydreams. Such things are of course natural and tolerated, however they are generally frowned upon and in case they go too far, they are considered symptoms of psychosis which means one has to undergo a neurological treatment. Although they say it's painless, there are stories going around that those poor patients come out completely changed. Scary. Nevertheless, somehow I was totally sure that worst case scenario, this is no more than midlife crisis. What's a midlife crisis anyway? What if it takes half a life to realize you've lost your way and find courage to find it again? Or for the first time, for that matter. Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing - I kept assuring myself. That's what I'm doing. Playing with fire. My mind started to race again. I need a plan. What if it doesn't work? Best case scenario, I'm gonna lose all benefits and will be left to dry. Yeah, but if I cross the line, that's gonna happen anyway... So there's by definition nothing to worry about. Yea, but when the stupid lizard brain is at the helm, definitions are rarely helpful. So here I was, walking through bushes, looking at the stunning arid landscape that covered the terrain which was just starting to look mountainous. Steep hillsides with mangroves, islands of grass were dry, filled with more and more pebbles. I was exhausted from worrying all the time or from walking around all day. One of those or more probably both together. Well, as for my primal worries, I had about 6 months worth of rations consisting of protein tablets, various taste-inducers, mineral powder and a cantine equipped with a water purifier. As long as there was water of any kind, I was going to be quite ok. And what about the other primal thing? A thought came to my mind which made me sincerely smirk. Well, if humor ain’t leaving me, I can relax - I decided. The sun was getting low and its orange hues were refracting off the stasis net – a protective forcefield running along the mountain ridge in some distance – the symbol of my somewhat secondary but not much less imminent danger, threateningly glimmering from afar. It runs along the ridge, right? But why would it penetrate the rock all the way down? Might be enough to find a natural cavern going through. Like that, in my head it sounded almost easy. But that would clearly be asking a bit too much. And then it hit me, that perhaps I didn’t expect myself to succeed in the first place. Suddenly, something within me clicked and brought a slight sensation of relief. Ok, let’s find a hideout, spend the night, perhaps more and then decide what’s next. I kept walking along the rocky hill in the search on a mountain opening. However after several more hours, all I could find was a spot where a part of the wall a bit receded inwards, making something like a half-cavern. That was gonna have to do… I was exhausted so I just rolled out a little mattress and lied down resting my head on my backpack. Since by that point I was quite convinced would be going back, I had no problem to relax and fall asleep as soon as I closed my eyes. Little did I know that it was the last moment of my old life. Goodnight.
One day, kid, you’ll hear about her yourself. Damn, you might even see her with your own eyes. She’s like a ghost. A witch. A spirit. They say she lives in the forest, but they don’t say which one. You decide on your own. After you’ve dedicated your entire life to finding those like her. To finding anything lost or hidden, solving any mystery. She’ll become your bounty. Your price. She’ll give you wisdom, show you the world’s secrets, but her elusiveness will keep you up at night. If you’re lucky, if you’re smart enough and play your cards right. You think, kid, this world is about finding your place? Nah... that’s the single most common mistake of losers. It’s about winning your place. There ain’t too many places, so everyone’s trying to do that. Trying hard. Most of them lose, so if you wanna win your own place, you’ll have to beat them to it. Yea, life’s an ever sprinting bitch of a competition. So, maybe you’ll win it... hallelujah! And then? Game over, kid, you have lost. But you know what? Perhaps you’ll even come across the idea that an occasional losing might not be a completely bad thing in the long run. Confused? Yeah, I bet. Stick around and you’ll learn about my story. It’ll be as though you lived it.
She looks around and sees the world flowing, people and things move like a part of a giant structure, a machine that is so big, we can’t even see it. Her eyes are drawn to everything as if they just opened for the first time, trying to absorb and examine all the information. And there is so much of it. For her, life just starts and it is up to her to choose a path, to find her place not to mention achieve and do so many things! Of course, her life has ups and downs, but generally she has always felt happy. True, she has never owned expensive treasures, but she does have enough to eat, a place to sleep and she is safe. Almost every time and everywhere there is a reason to smile, to feel this ease in your chest ― as when you look up at the blue sky, when you watch bees, buzzing over flowers in spring, when you feel all the scents of nature. In her childhood she would always find time if someone needed help, or just to sit down by a mountain spring and listen to birds, while the sound of water and the fresh air would slowly put her to sleep. Now however, she is discovering a whole new world of prospects and pleasures. People have told her. “Yes, you may be young and beautiful but that isn’t enough. In order to be really happy you must be successful, and success is measured by accomplishments.” It was all so intriguing and exciting... She saw accomplished people every-where. They were beautifully dressed, clean and elegant. Their profiles were smooth, and although from time to time some were lacking a smile (on their faces), they seemed always to be the center of interest of those who would admire them. From observing others around her, she’s always known that rich and beautiful people are more popular, they have all they want, they are happy. On the other hand, less popular people were usually loners and didn’t have much influence on the society around. She didn’t give it a real thought at the time, but now it all seems to make perfect sense. What if she couldn’t tell illusion from reality? Perhaps she has been missing out on so many things! It feels as though yet another new world has unraveled before her.It is decided. She will set out to pursue success in order to find true Happiness. With this thought, she notices an intriguing person passing by. He is young and slim, wearing an elegant suit and even his walk appears as a special kind of dance. Something about this man, the attraction she suddenly feels. Yes, it is not her illusion, he is looking on her. He never says a word, yet there is something about the look in his eyes, almost saying: It is me you are searching. Come, catch me, for I know the best way of all. She is helpless against this urge to follow him. She wants to be like him; to wear this magnificent suit and have the power of control that she can feel radiating from his dynamic moves. It’s a completely new feeling - a strong desire to have... It feels as the world around her suddenly ceased to exist, everything but the object of her desire and her. He is running away and she is chasing him, yet he always manages to stay ahead of her. He knows the terrain and uses it to his advantage. They are running trough the city, passing people, dodging cars and trains. Sometimes he is just a few inches out of her grasp, but he always finds a way to lose her, so she has to roam the streets of life looking for him again and again. However, he never stays out of her sight too long, not letting her desire wear off. Even when she is tired and resting, he appears in both her night and day dreams, his dance restlessly reminding her of what she might get, if she tries hard and long enough. Although to be honest, there is a tiny little thought in the back of her mind, asking if this is really the best way of life. But she does know that the way to success isn’t an easy one and her motivation is pure, hence she won’t lose her will to pursue Happiness. One evening she spots him moving through tiny streets near an old castle. Her happiness is once again within her reach! Yet now, it feels somehow different. She’s more experienced than before, she knows she will need to stay focused if she doesn’t want him to dodge her again. Full of confidence, yet again, the girl stands up to continue her pursuit. To her surprise, this time, for some reason he isn’t running away. It is a late evening, street lamps are lit and she finds him before an old wall, dancing in an incredible halo of colorful lights that seem to be shining from his clothing, engulfing both the wall and her. Never before, was her goal so within reach, even inviting her to come and take it. As she closes in, the wall starts to look like a giant mirror streaming the whole palette of colors towards her. Almost entranced, she is coming ever closer to it, with her hand stretched, reaching out. The wall, the street, the man, the whole city has disappeared. She finds herself on a clearing facing a big green bush, standing there instead of the wall. It is a beautiful warm day, the Sun shines high in the sky and there is a huge forest surrounding her, wherever she looks. Birds are singing, and every inch is teeming with Life. Something feels incredibly familiar about this place – as though she has known it her whole life. Gently, and without hesitation, she moves among trees, enjoying this beautiful place, although her visions of the man, his beautiful dress and dance, are still there, and now she is going in a direction where they are getting stronger. And there he is, hiding behind trees and then running away from her. Yet again she is chasing him, sprinting through the forest, dodging trees, and once again he will slip away, inches before her grasp. She is seriously tired of it, but she will not give up, convinced that one day success will come if she keeps trying. But now, perhaps she needs a break, perhaps some distance, so that she can look at her life from a different perspective? Maybe. But let’s just walk, be open minded and listen to the world around. She roams and roams the forest that doesn’t seem to end, no matter where and how far she goes. Huge, tall trees offer protection from the sun, springs and ponds pristine water, fruit trees (or bushes) food. Wherever she looks there is harmony, and the silence is only disturbed by the song of birds. After walking for some time she finds a clearing under a small hill. Much to her surprise, there on a tree stub, sits an old gray-haired man, all alone. He doesn’t seem to have any possessions, except for a small fire, a little metal teapot, a cup and a flute leaning on the side of the stub where he is sitting. His dress appears to be very old but comfortable, his eyes are deep and immensely peaceful. At this moment, the voice of her newly chosen life of ambition is telling her that this man doesn’t appear to have anything to offer, anything people around have taught her to value and want and perhaps he looks more like one of those uninteresting people who spend their lives in some corner far from successful society, never even dreaming of achieving any of what she is set to achieve... However, no matter how reasonable in the
context of her way of life this voice sounded, she would
never despise someone just because they are poor or
their clothes are old. Anyone can say or think anything
they want, but that isn’t her. Now, strengthened by this
thought and full of curiosity, she approaches him. Even
when she comes very near, he doesn’t lose his deep
concentration. In a very gentle manner, she says:
A variety of colorful lights floods her senses, while the
dancing man’s wonderful cloak swirls around her similar
to a swarm of gold and silver fireflies. A breathtaking
dance. The forest has disappeared. She is kneeling there before the wall, with her hands touching the street. It is night and the street lamps are lit. She is wearing the dress of her dreams which glows in their halo. No one else is there.
So you think that you wake up and see the world as if it was some huge machine that we are all part of? It’s not easy to admit, but you know, you might be not entirely wrong about that. But you are naively ignoring the most important fact, my friend. You were so excited about realizing that the machine exists, and your curiosity ended there. Poor naive kid. You’re so easy to impress, you get satisfied not even half way through and don’t care to get to the point. That way, you’ll never find much, kid. So, the machine. It’s a steamroller. And you be sure you’re part of it. Coz you’re either part of it, or you’re part of the road... But that’s not the end of it either. Every steamroller needs a driver, that’s what you should realize. If you're strong enough, the driver’s seat’s there for the taking. You catching my drift? You need to be needed by others. Or else, they’re gonna prey on you. And you know what’s important? Power. And where do you find the best power? In mystery. People are notoriously scared of what they don’t know. And scared people can be easily influenced. Influenced and controlled, so they won’t do something stupid. Like preying on you. You feel me? So you go find mysteries. But how you do it? First, you’re not stupid, therefore you know you need knowledge and experience. That’s the most important thing on its own. You go and ask around, what people fear, what they worship, revere... Then you go and find out about that. Its gossip, its origins, its power. Find out its power. And remember, no failure is ever a failure. Always analyze what happened. What happened -itself- is never as important as how it happened, only then lessons can be learnt. That’s what interests you, that’s your mission. You are the finder. And you are also lost...
When opened my eyes, it was already morning. I looked around trying to locate coffee dispenser. Right. Of course. The details of my whereabouts were slowly coming back. Boy, that was close. I keep repeating to myself that I had no idea what would happened had I gone through with that stupid craziness. I’ve always been one of those kids who take their perk for granted, yet have never known life without it. I let my naivete act out way too long. By that time. I could almost agree that the government is right to commit people like me to psych wards… C’mon, this ain’t like me at all. I like my comfy place, stable work and uneventful life. One thing I had give myself, that this crazy endeavour would be so fruitless after all. This realization might just be the most precious one of my life. That this adolescent spiritual phase of mine was getting unhealthy and taking a bit too long to wear off. And that I wasn’t gonna find her anyway. But all in all, the place looked nice. I packed my things and decided to stay dark a little longer and just keep walking in this stunning nature. Generally I wanted to go back, retracing my own footsteps, but somehow, I couldn’t make out the terrain. That happens when you walk for too long while being stuck in your head obsessing over worries. - I thought to myself. I wasn’t worried too much at this point. After all I was sure that sooner or later I was bound to run into an automated outpost or a settlement. Sustenance wasn’t an issue either – I had about six months worth of rations, consisting of protein tablets, flavour inducers, mineral powder and a cantine with water purifier. As long as there was water of any kind, I was going to be ok. And so I kept on walking away from the ridges, back to the lowlands. To be honest, the land looked weird. There were ruins. Very old ruins. “This ain’t Kansas anymore.” I said out loud with a smirk. Wishful thinking... I was frankly a bit surprised though. I always thought that all of the ancient ruins had been long recycled before I was even born. There was an outer rim of walls that consisted of smaller blocs made of some strange kind of ceramics. I’d never thought I would see remnant of a truly ancient building. Fascinated, I went inside to take a closer look. What was left of the roof appeared to be made of plastic tiles – perhaps ancient solar collectors before they moved them up to space and beamed the energy directly to the ground. This was so small and necessarily inefficient. How could this have ever been enough for even one person’s consumption back when even a small kettle or heater were such powerhogs and Dyson swarms or clean fusion were still a matter of science fiction... But this house – this relic was obviously constructed during the ancient times of wars, barbarism, and chaos of the 21st century. I have to say, I almost felt like being in one of those folk tales of Indiana Jones or Lara Croft. The only I was missing were the guns. And boobs. “Hey, some fresh meat!” - and then nothing. When I woke up, I couldn’t see anything. It took me a while to fully come to. The first sensation I remember was lying on the side while the whole place was jumping up and down. My hands were tied behind my back and something was over my head. I tried to move my legs but no luck there either. Apparently, they were tied too. Boy, that was bad… They caught me where I wasn’t supposed to be and I’m gonna be found a burden for the Successful Society and therefore eliminated. At least that’s what people would say. No one knows what happens to those people. They disappear because they are no longer needed. I guess I’m gonna find out. My heart was beating quite fast after this thought. And then somehow I remembered words of my teacher: When you are in danger, think of your first crush. Your heart will beat fast because of that”. I wasn’t sure how it was gonna help, but at least it bore a vague resemblance of a plan. Let the river run - that was another think master Wu used to say. * * * To put it simply, fate grabbed my proverbial behind from the ladder of success and threw it down to the proverbial bottom of the pit. Head first. I was in a good place among people of both good spirit and prospect. It was a very late summer day, the sun was hot, although the air was slowly catching the scents of fall. It was the first day in a new school and I was immensely looking forward to this “new life” in a new collective, which rendered me full of expectations, although perhaps fortunately enough I still hadn't had the chance to unleash much of my weirdness on them. We were sitting outside after the first day of school, talking and having fun and I was truly enjoying their company. I was in a forest. What?! Suddenly, the reality around me changed and my heart was racing. I had no idea where or why, but in the same time my senses were totally overtaken by this huge lush and vibrant forest, that felt somehow different than the usual forests I have had visited. It seemed so vast as though it had no beginning or end, it felt incredibly alive and welcoming. In a second, out of nowhere, she appeared sitting on a stone, facing me. Something about her was almost out of this world. In the same time, she felt incredibly human (for lack of better words). But hey, look around you. This definitely wasn’t Kansas anymore. She was kind of tall, long a bit curly dark hair, her smile was warm, eyes filled with sincere kindness and her voice deeply comforting. She said: “Welcome, you are in the right place. We will meet again.” Then a sequence of causes and effects of which I had but none to a very superficial understanding climaxed in the unpleasant sound of the wake up call on my bedside clock. Splendid. The day began full of euphoric expectations. It was a very late summer day, the sun was hot, although the air was slowly catching the scents of fall. We were sitting, talking and having fun and I was truly enjoying their company. Though I might add, it felt less strange the first time. I couldn’t shake off this feeling of the forest. And the girl. Who was she? I was in the right place. Was I? It truly felt that way, even without that dream, more so with it. All being said, it definitely wasn’t the real reason behind my pulse rate. We will meet again… These two sentences, their context and delivery were eloquent just enough to attract my full attention. No more, no less. There was no doubt that every cause and effect had been leading my life towards this very point and they were to decide the shape of my future. Yes, it was a clear sign which I was determined to decipher and use all its potential. But I couldn’t do it on my own - I had to find a teacher. Although this particular endeavor presented itself with a slight little hiccup. Namely that there were not many ancient sages in my neighborhood, just sitting around waiting to present me with their life’s work and wisdom. Not to mention their beautiful young daughter who’d instantly fall in love with a “Bruce Lee wannabe” white dude, just as it usually goes in those movies on which I had grown up. As much as I’d prefer for such a pathetic narrative to come true, it was more than obvious that the reality would be much less romantic. Nah, I definitely needed a different strategy. * * * As a matter of fact, it made my heart beat a bit slower. Still fast though. Just about the same each time I think of her. She’s always been the real reason I ended up here. And now my mission to find her is ‘fokingfoked’ and my life probably over. I will be dealt with as everyone else who’s ever opposed the System of Success. Next thing I remember was waking up sitting out in the open. Well not exactly. Everything was still blurry, but at least I was able to make out light from darkness. And some voices from random sounds. Was all that before just a dream? Or is it still? Nonetheless, after a few moments I realized that I was actually in a cage, hands tied back to one of its bars and my head was ringing badly. I tried to open my eyes and look around, but the pain was serious. I could make out the cage and a few things on top of that. There were other bodies. It took my brain some time to be able to meaningfully process information again. To say there were bodies later seemed a bit of an overstatement. More like there were pieces of them here and there. Limbs and bones with parts of tendons still attached with occasional remnants of burnt meat. Leftovers. That scenery was exactly like from the stories we used to hear as children of life behind The Wall… Barbaric, cruel, predatory. Most of us kids eventually stopped believing them and took them as mere cautionary tales meant to keep us from misbehaving. Well, fuck you, sir. Fuck you very much.
I must have fallen asleep shortly after that, because when I woke up again, I finally managed to ease up a little bit. Not too much, but just enough so my brain would let me to take a more careful look around. There was a village full of life, like a small swarm of bees buzzing around their flowers inside the hydroponics. But this was different. Out in the open, unsure, unprotected. What a strange feeling… They appeared to have no protective dome around them. The village lived in makeshift buildings which resembled those round tents in the old Asian movies. From the little I could see, they had hydroponics, but outside, unsheltered from the elements. It all felt so unnatural, so strange. Apparently, that’s how cannibals live… An untamed, unsheltered barbaric life for untamed, barbaric people. I couldn’t even express how much I wanted to go back to my old ‘boring’ life. Where the fok is this place and how the fok did I get there… I never crossed the barrier, I never crossed the barried!! “I NEVER CROSSED THE BARRIER!!!” I screamed as much as I could without ever planning for it.
Hence, in what seemed to be a last dying wave of defiance I started to explain: “Look, I never meant to cross the line! I was going back! I finally found my place, I want to be successful!” There was a tent which turned out to be our destination. No one seemed to pay any attention to my complaints. We went inside. It was spacious and the interior covered in some kind of carpets and cloths. “I am a loyal member of the Society…” I moped.
I was surprised as hell but it was hard to complain. I slowly gathered myself and left the tent. I was there among all others in the village. It took me some time shake off the shock, but my brain was telling me that something in my previous calculations didn’t quite add up. I tried walking a little. My whole body was sore but still pumped with adrenaline and cortisol, so the inevitable fatigue didn’t have enough time to announce itself just yet. They can’t do much for me yet I had my backpack which they never took from me. I was good to go. But Where to? I was inevitably arriving at the conclusion, that this indeed wasn’t Kansas anymore. Something in me was different. Never in my life had I imagined anything from what I just saw today. Never in my life had I felt my last moment being so imminent. But wasn’t that exactly what we trained for with master Wu? That may have been it and everything he had taught me went out of the window. Not my proudest moment. Next time, let’s do better.
Do you even know why you are lost, kid? I bet you got no clue... Coz you think you’re on the top of your game. That you got everything under control. That you are the puppet master. That gives you confidence. Gives you purpose. You feel such an extreme focused on your objectives that you are clueless of the blindfold you had put on yourself. You don’t see that this still ain’t the key. Once again you got stuck halfway through, falling victim to your own deceit. You’re such an amateur... How do you expect to find anything if you’re this blind? You really have no clue it’s all just a game, do you. Like a child making a sand castle on the beach thinking it will last... Come on, stop being full of yourself and see through the lies. Everything you heard me say earlier... It’s real but it's only conventional. It means it’s there but only sort of. Like a game. Which means it’s not really real. So if you’re truly after the real thing, better not do it at all. Or else, if you still want to do it be sure you’re fully aware it’s just a game. That way you won’t be deceived and you’ll see how the driver gets rolled over again and again each time they roll over someone else. And exactly like you the driver has no clue. So who do you think is more unfortunate?
To be continued. 慧淨 (c)Sunrise, designed by 慧淨 2004-2025 |